Surly Snobby

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Ode to Coffee

The Internet is a wondrous thing. You can find just about anything. Anybody who has a weird successful google story to tell, I’d love to hear it.

Anyways, after yesterday’s horrendous caffeine-free morning (the horror still lingers), I am in greater awe of the Powers of Coffee than ever before. In this honour, a simple search for the words “ode to coffee” brought up literally thousands of results. What a society are we! No one has to bomb us. Just cut off our coffee supply and half the world’s population will be brought to its knees in withdrawal stupor, simply sitting on their couches gazing out into boundless nothingness. How easy it would be.

But this view of coffee drinkers being somewhat dim-witted, addicted simpletons in contradicted by this little blurby I found here:

Coffee is the beverage of the people of God, and the cordial of his servants who thirst for wisdom. When coffee is infused into the bowl, it exhales the odor of musk, and is of the color of ink. The truth is not known except to the wise, who drink it from the foaming coffee cup. God has deprived fools of coffee, who with invincible obstinacy condemn it as injurious. In it will we drown our adversities, and in its fire our sorrows. – Transylvanian Medical Society, ca. 1850

The Transylvanian Medical Society? Whatever.

In any case, here we find clear proof that coffee drinkers are the obvious superior life form. Like all great gifts of genius, it comes at a great price: addiction. Ô, the burden of distinction…the burden…

My friend and neighbour Cigar and Leather Sex Boy claims to have never once had even a sip of coffee. Snobby is astonished, but open & accepting. Now, Cigar and Leather Sex Boy does all sorts of things that Snobby would never do in a zillion years (don’t ask), and yet he’s a pretty great guy. So I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I remain dubious of his claim, however.

On the other end of the scale is my friend Alef Alef who, the very first time we met, imparted to me the following words that struck the Bell of Truth with such force (now there’s a metaphor I should never, ever use again!) that it rings through my head until I consume my first blessed drops: “The is no life before coffee”. There is no life before coffee. How true. And I have seen Alef Alef in a pre-caffeinated state and it ain’t a pretty sight to behold.

And now that I’ve consumed enough coffee to animate a bull African elephant, off I got to Organization #1 to be a fake librarian. Cheerio!



Haphazardly thrown together by Surly
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