Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Snobbusnarf and the Two-Headed Homophogre
One day Snobbusnarf Lyserøde Skjeggen was hunting pink elephants in the woods with his friends Egjey the Magnificent and Kaallinn the Beauteous. As the three slunk silently through the trees they heard the sound of swearing coming from a nearby clearing. The heroes strode towards the noise.
The swearing became louder as the entered the clearing. In the middle of it were two lesbians. One, with eyes of blue, hair of blond, and cheeks of rosy sat on a boulder, staring despondently at a patch of wild flowers. The other, with longer dark hair was wearing a red t-shirt with the words “Dar Williams is Goddess” written across it in Celtic-looking letters. This was the one who was swearing.
“#&%#@!” she spat.
“Greetings, yon lesbian,” Snobbusnarf Lyserøde Skjeggen said as he strode towards her.
“What the fuck do you want?” She turned towards him violently.
“I want only to heal the ills that ail you.”
“Great! I’m going to be “rescued” by an over-the-hill boy band.” She turned back to survey a large square of smashed plants, littered with empty beer bottles and potato chip bags. “Where’s your fourth member? You know: the blond jailbait who turned into a sleazy alcoholic once he turned eighteen?”
“Now, Monique,” spoke up the one with hair the colour of honey. “These three fags are just trying to be nice.”
“Yes, Elizabeth” said the first, somewhat contritely.
The second rose from her perch on the rock. “She’s just upset because a two-headed homophogre destroyed our hemp field. This is our livelihood. Now what will do on market day in the village? What wares will we trade for the organically processed tofu that sustains us?”
This time it was Ajay the Magnificent who spoke. “This is indeed a sad state of affairs.” He shook his head gravely. “But fear not, my all-natural friends, for I am Egjey the Magnificent, strongest man in all the land. With my great power I will crush the foes who have wrought this ruin upon your heads!”
“And I am Snobbusnarf Lyserøde Skjeggen, the wisest man in all the land. I will taunt and confuse this vile fiend until it knows no more!”
“And I am Kaallinn the Beauteous,” he stepped forth as a sudden breeze ruffled his hair in an appealing fashion. “I am the most beautiful man in all the land!”
The two lesbians waited for him to reveal the horrible fate he would bestow upon the demon. They noted that Snobbusnarf simply rolled his eyes and Egjey shook his head and they knew that nothing more would be forthcoming from his pouting lips.
“Well, we should be fine. I think we have enough to last us until we can grow more,” said the Dar Williams-clad lesbian, brightening slightly. “Plus there was that loser who left us that bag of magic beans. We can see what they do.”
“But we’ll be ruined if the two-headed homophogre comes back!”
“Never fear!” exclaimed Snobbusnarf. “We will vanquish the foe!”
And the three companions strode off along the path of destruction and blatant littering left by the monster. As they moved along they could hear in the distance a lone voice shouting after them: “We don’t need men to save us! We’d do it ourselves but we have Briggita’s Tea Goddess ceremony this afternoon!”
The forest grew dark around our friends as they moved farther and further into it. The more they progressed, the less they heard the tweeting of pretty, little birds. The undergrowth became rife with evil. The stench of wickedness lay heavy in the palpitating air. They caught a whiff of malice.
“Bleah!” exclaimed Egjey. “Somebody really let loose a pungent one!”
Kaallinn wrinkled his nose. “And somebody is wearing really cheap perfume!”
They walked further in the gathering gloom. Leaves were ripped off trees. Tree trunks had been urinated upon. Cigarette butts littered the narrow pathway. An empty Yoo-hoo can lay upon a rock next to the path, the remains of its former contents dribbling slowly to the fort floor.
Snobbusnarf halted. “Harken, my friends. We draw close. The fiend is nigh.”
And it was true. Shortly they drew close to a small stream. It no longer babbled. It seemed to whimper in unspoken terror. Beside it lay the most repulsive creature any of the three had seen, and being gay men they had seen a number of repulsive creatures in the dark. Even Egjey stepped back in disgust.
Its body was thick and swathed in a purple hoody with a Viking maiden wearing a fur bikini sprawling across the words “Ice Ice Baby”. Its arms were thick as legs, its legs as muscular as torsos. But the most repulsive part was its heads. Two ugly heads lolled somnolently on two indolent necks.
The first head was a man’s. It had a poorly trimmed goatee and a black baseball hat with a sports logo emblazoned across its front. A small greenish stream slithered from his nose.
The second head was a woman’s. It lay pristinely on a pile of moss, it’s red hair perfect and unmussed, its golden earrings clinked lightly in the wind. A slight whistling nose escaped from its nose as it breathed in and out.
“That’s not real gold!” Kaallinn whispered sharply in disgust, a little too loudly.
The creature stirred and woke at the harsh condemnation of its fashion sensibility. It rose unsteadily. “What the fuck?” uttered the male head intelligently.
Egjey immediately sprang forward and faced the repugnant fiend, his powerful muscles flexed in anticipation.
The female head took on a look of shocked wonder. “Oh…My…Gawd!” it shrieked. “It’s a ho-mo-seskshwel!”
“Prepare too meet your doom, foul fiend of the Otherworld!” he shouted bravely. “For I am Egjey the Magnificent and I will grind your bones to powder and feed them to the dung beetles!”
“No, brave Egjey!” interrupted Snobbusnarf bossily. “You mustn’t kill it! It is just a poor, dumb beast that knows not what it does! Come, fair friend, use your brave brawn for compassion instead for senseless slaughter. Build the creature a Peel Pub in which it may while away the hours in pleasant, timeless abandon”. He smiled benevolently upon the piteous thing as it scratched its backside, the female head berating the male for this impolite action.
Egjey graciously acquiesced to his friend’s wish and went off in search of the tackiest wood he could find.
“You, gorgeous Kaallinn. Distract the brute with all the charm and beauty you can muster while I sit upon yon hillock to think what to do next by means of my awesome sagaciousness.”
Kaallinn picked up an empty beer bottle and sauntered to a tree near to the creature. He stared resolutely over one of the beast’s shoulders. He then pretended to take a sip from the bottle, glancing briefly at the creature, which took no notice of him. He then began to bob his head rhythmically to an imagined beat, glancing over occasionally at the still oblivious creature. He then ambled to another tree where he removed his cell phone from his pocket and began to talk on it in an animated manner, glancing over at the creature who now looked back at him, seemingly bewildered by the rapid language streaming for betwixt his pouty lips. He abruptly ended his call and stared steadfastedly away from the creature.
Snobbusnarf observed this with bewilderment and quickly called to his handsome friend to ask him what manner of distraction this was meant to be.
“What manner of distraction is this meant to be?” he asked his handsome friend.
“I’m getting its attention! This always works for me.”
“This is not a bar, o dizzy one! Attempt to engage the beast in conversation.”
Kaallinn let forth a heavy sigh and strode forward. “Well, hello there! My name is Kaallinn and I am very pleased to meet you!”
The male head spoke first. “Dude, are you like supposed to be gay or something?”
Kaallinn rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile, Egjey had returned with several stacks of wood and commenced erecting a large rectangular structure with no character whatsoever. He chuckled with humour to himself as he listened to the creature babble.
“I mean, I was like watching the game the other day and the ref was like making all these really gay calls n’stuff. I mean I felt like totally screwed up the ass! I mean like what a cocksucker!”
The female head nodded vigorously and spoke up. “Like why did you choose to be gay in the first place? Is it because you like to cook? You faggots are just afraid of women. That’s what your problem is. You just need the right woman to show you. Honey, I’d straighten those wrists of yours…and something else as well…” She smiled lasciviously.
Kaallinn stood before them and wished that at least one of the beer bottles around him were full of beer, even warm flat beer.
No sooner had the male head finished a long speech in which he denied any trace of homophobia, using as proof the fact that he once worked with a guy who was gay and he was OK except for when he talked about his boyfriend which like totally creeped out the male head, when Egjey finished the Peel Pub. Snobbusnarf then arose from his perch on yon hillock and touched the tips of his fingers lightly to his temples. A warm glow emerged from his head and surrounded the building.
Anon, a young woman with a painted face and bosom larger than her head appeared at the Peel Pub door. “Well, hello there! My name is Candi-with-an-I and the Peel Pub is open for business! Come on in! We have two-for-one pitchers of Nondescript American Lite Beer, all-you-can-eat jalapeno pepper poppers, and all the reruns of “Home Improvement” and “Everybody Loves Raymond” you can watch!”
“Oooooooo!” gasped both heads together. The creature shambled towards the door. Once it was inside, the door shut…forever.
“Well, that wasn’t a very good story at all,” spat Kaallinn the Beauteous.
“I know,” said Snobbusnarf Lyserøde Skjeggen. “All that build-up for nothing.”
“And I didn’t even get to rip my shirt off and show off my incredible pecs and washboard stomach,” sighed Egjey the Magnificent.
“Maybe our next adventure will have some sort of literary value,” responded Snobbusnarf.
Suddenly the forest around them was filled with a blinding light. Our friends covered their eyes for they had been almost blinded by the blinding light filling the forest around them.
A cold voice filled their ears. “On your knees before me, weak creatures!”
Snobbusnarf gasped in shock. “Forsooth! It is Hjördís the Petulant
“It is indeed I! Bow down before the Ice Queen!”
Will our heroes survive? Tune in for the next installment of the “The Harem of Snobbusnarf Lyserøde Skjeggen”!
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