Surly Snobby

Friday, August 06, 2004

Hope and Glory; or, The Ten Plagues

 I woke up with a clunk / Image Hosted by ImageShack.usI won’t set the dramatic stage ironically by stating that I woke up with glowing eyes full of hope and glory, eager to face another magnificent day. In truth, I woke up with a clunk. My eyes opened and despite the fact that I have had difficulties sleeping for the past couple of days, they would not then close. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. All I wanted to do was lie there like an aging, unemployed, creatively-challenged, poverty-stricken lump and feel sorry for myself. But that just would not do.

I have become very adept at giving myself pep talks and so I arose, my eyes not exactly glowing but there was definite luminous potential. I wasn’t feeling spectacular, but “How bad could it be?”, I thought to myself. Regular readers, what is your sign of a Quality Blog®? The answer is in the snappy comebacks below.

I stumbled into the kitchen to make my coffee and then fell onto the couch to doze while I waited. Now, I wear earplugs to sleep because I live on a very busy street. It is so noisy that I cannot sleep without them, especially in summer when I have to leave all the windows open. They were still in my ears as I waited so I of course could not hear any sound. Some of the sounds I could not hear were busses rumbling by, obnoxious teenagers rapping poorly, babies screaming as their parents wheeled them around in strollers, the sound of construction of the approximately ninety zillion quadrillion condos going up around me, and the sound of hot, brown liquid steaming on the burner and dripping off onto the floor. Had I heard that, I would have immediately put the coffee pot under the drippy thing where it can actually perform its function, which is to collect coffee. But I didn’t hear that, and so the coffee fell to the floor. This was not a great beginning to the quasi-magnificent day I had told myself to have.

 But I didn’t hear that, and so the coffee fell to the floor / Image Hosted by ImageShack.usThe day, which I began to suspect was going to be a bit of a sadist, continued on this path by filling the drippy thing with coffee just waiting to spill out all over my hand as I brushed against it while cleaning up the mess. I had never previously spent too much time wondering whether the water is heated in the coffee maker or whether it is heated on the burner, although I had wondered. Now I know that it is heated inside the machine and so when it reaches the pot, or as the case may be, my hand, it is already scalding hot. Pay heed. This is very good to know.

As I sat on my couch anticipating the next mini-disaster, I noticed that there was some dirton the floor in front of the living room window. I turned my head and there was ore dirt. And even more when I turned my head farther. There was a massive pile of dirt in the corner of my living room. And in the dirt were the shredded remains of a regurgitated plant. נודניק the Cat had once again lived up to his name (Noudnic = pain in the butt, kinda) and skirted all the anti-kitty booby traps I had placed around my two surviving plants and minced one of them and then, because most houseplants are slightly poisonous to cats, thrown it all up in little greenish lumps on my living room floor.

“It’s no big deal”, I thought to myself. “It’s only cat puke. I’ve seen worse things.” So of course, I stepped in a pile and it went squoosh! between my toes.

 I have to wonder what next can happen to me today?  Frogs?  Boils?  A third eye in the middle of my forehead?  Athlete’s foot? / Image Hosted by ImageShack.usAll this is framed against the backdrop of the news that my friend Lightning met and had an actual conversation with one of my future husbands at the TV station where he works and he did not even let my future husband know of my existence. Such betrayal by a friend! Yes, Lightning’s job at this station is apparently to rampage through my future husbands and steal them all from me one by one. In any case, this future husband is apparently very sweet. And then again, so is Lightning. So I’m very happy for the two of them. Yes. It just warms the cockles of my heart.

So as I sit here with coffee and dirt all over my floor, cat barf between my toes, a wounded, throbbing, burned right hand, and minus one future husband, I have to wonder what next can happen to me today? Frogs? Boils? A third eye in the middle of my forehead? Athlete’s foot? I’m going back to bed.

****IMPORTANT IRONIC UPDATE**** A few hours after I'd first posted this entry: three hours after I'd wondered what the day had in store for me next, I got my answer. Nancy's mother was right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse. My internet connection failed and after many long an arduous hours with my provider it turns out it's my network card, so it's my problem' Well, that's justsuper! So until further notice, blogging will be infrequent and angry.




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