Monday, November 08, 2004
Sorry, Surly Can't Come to the Blog Right Now
If only I wasn't in this chair.
The reason why I am guest blogging is because Surly is off writing a 50,000 word essay on the benefits of Velcro and during his breaks, contemplating the shrinkage of the waist bands on his shorts. For a Canadian he has quite a lot of shorts, jams and tank tops. Sometimes I try them on when I'm locked in the storage room but they're all kind of baggy on me.
Well since we've got the place to ourselves and while Surly's distracted let's run over to the medicine cabinet and see what we find. Shall we?
Hmmm - this is curious. It's not even his shade. Erm - maybe I'll just put this back. Oh look - self- tanning lotion. Oh I can see where that shade in that other case might just work now. The poor boy - not even a bottle of sun block, no wonder he's been looking dry and puffy lately. And here I thought he was simply working too hard on that essay. What's this, "Apply three times daily to ________"? Oh now that just sounds painful. Let's leave from here.
I was hoping we could rummage through that drawer next to his bed, but I can't get this damn wheelchair up the stairs. If only I wasn't in this chair. I can take a pretty good guess as to its contents though - his diary and a pen. I saw his diary once - it's a really big book with a combination lock and bars, sort of like a bank vault really. Once a picture of Jim Carey fell out of it but I was too afraid to ask. Just forget I said anything, okay?
Growing up, I remember him being quite an accomplished yodeler. He won a regional competition doing a remarkable yodeling rendition of Flight of the Bumblebee. A few girls actually fainted from the excitement. Oh wait a minute - I think it was he who had fainted. It's a difficult piece to yodel so that makes more sense. That's right, I remember now, one of the judges plucking off little Surly's clip-on bow tie, plaid and quite the fashion statement, in order for him to get better air flow. He had turned rather orange, much like when he wears too much of that tanning gel, then green and blue. It turns out he also does quite the impression of a mood ring. Fortunately for all of us, he had won the Yodeling Cup - it came in handy on the ride back to his house as he had gotten car sick. By the time we arrived back his skin had cycled through the rainbow twice. He's quite the talent. It's a good thing he had forgotten the bow tie in all of the excitement as it would have clashed.
Now I know some of you think that my relative can sometimes be hyper-critical according to the notes attached to the rocks that often come flying through the windows. As a writer he tends to notice things. He's a much harder critic of himself than anyone else - well other than me that is. He's pretty mean to me, but that's only because he still feels guilty about the accident we don't ever talk about. I don't mind really especially after a few hours in the closet with the bottle. But make no mistake about it, although he presents a certain image here on his blog - I'm here to tell you he really is a decent, loving, affectionate - oh sorry, once I get giggling I can't ever finish a sentence.
I think for the next installment I may interview one of his babysitters if I can find any willing to speak on the subject of Surly. There may be some legality which may prevent this, but I'll do my best. At least we can see what he has in his ice box.
Oh - I think I hear him now. I better roll.
Until next time dear readers - if there is a next time…
Warmly - Aaron
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